APPOLOGIES

SORRY HSWG I TRIED TO POST AND IT MADE ME THE ADMINISTRATOR
PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES

“My Sister -----"

“I have always envied her, even hated her. Not your conventional hate, but the kind that can’t help but love at the same time. I have never been able to think well of myself because of her. She was always more beautiful, more elegant and lovable, everyone loved her. She was beautiful and vivacious, she walked into a room and people instantly noticed her. I was the dowdy overweight sister, the one no one noticed.

She was my life, I lived through her, I made my friends through her. Every friend I ever had, I had because they knew her, I was her sister. I’d introduce myself and say “Hi I’m ---- “her” sister)

I never felt beautiful around her, and I hate myself for writing this, but I need to get it out, to tell someone how I feel, how selfish I really am. I am that blackened being who pretended to be a friend, who hated and loved her, the one who would never tell her if I thought she was wrong, too scared she would revile me as she often did of anyone who crossed her.

I lived my life as her friend and that being who lived in fear of her, she had a way of monopolizing everything, everyone’s attention every experience I had, she had to experience it better. When I learned to read she had to prove she could learn younger, and so she did, when I learned to ride my bike she learned to ride quicker, when we got to choose which toy we wanted she always got first choice.

Every friend, every aunt and uncle, grandfather and grandmother, even my mother loved her more, she was the sacrificial child the one who helped the one who let you cry on her shoulder, the one who was PERFECT.

I suppose she was jealous of me, dad had favored me more, they saw too much of themselves in each other, and hated the other for it. That’s the way it seems to be with sisters, one parent seems to cling to one child better. What happens when you cross the one that was fondest of you?

The pain is so strong, YOU will feel it now as you read this story, and yes I do love you but is an unperfected love, a selfish love, a jealous love, please forgive me.

This poisoned letter is just a reflection of my inner self, what would I be like without Christ? no one should ever see this letter it is too black and bitter to self hating and too tarnishing of you, we all have our black spots, and most of the time we won’t let others see them. Let me enlighten you more of mine.

I hate myself! I hate almost everything about me! And the way I feel about myself perhaps only reflects what others think of me. Everyone loves you, everyone, and those who don’t are too jealous of you to let you know!

You left us and finally my mother sees you for what you had always been, a self-centered self-serving Bitch! Do you remember the times I called you a bitch? How you would always scream at me? How I was always in the wrong in those situations? But you know what? I’m a bitch! A self-centered black and rotting Bitch!

Your dead now, and all these feelings boiled up in an instant and are gone now, you my beloved sister where the inspiration for me to write this story, I have wronged you, I have sinned against you. I believe you are in heaven, Please forgive me.”

An excerpt from “A Blackened Heart” by Karen Spools

I read this book and it both scared and enlightened me, I have envied my sister sometimes to the extent stated in this book. It made me look back and repent before God for my selfish behavior. Sophia will you forgive me for ever feeling even remotely that which has been stared above?