Sam against the Amish

Title says it all, really.

SAM AGAINST THE AMISH!!!1!ONE!ELEVENTYONE!

Sam walked through the idyllic countryside, his destination lying only a few kilometers ahead. He was on vacation, and he planned to enjoy it.

What better way to enjoy a vacation than at an Amish farming community?

The little village lay ahead, the inhabitants working in the fields. Sam smiled and waved at them as he walked past, hearing the cheery sound of birds chirping.

The windmill turned in the light breeze, perfecting the picture of peace and happiness that surrounded Sam.

He smiled happily, his coat flapping in the breeze as the elder shambled up to him.

“graaaaaaaagh. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.” The elder moaned some incomprehensible dialect.

Sam scratched his head. He didn’t know any German, and that could prove a problem. Then he smiled as he figured it out.

“eurrrrrgghhhh. Liiiiiiiiiiiiveeeeeeers.”

The elder clapped him on the shoulder and led him towards the town hall.

Inside, there was a feast laid out on the tables… uncooked brains, apparently. Sam had thought the Amish were excellent cooks, but it seemed he was wrong. Ah well! Can’t offend the locals! He quickly tried to think of something to say to get out of eating raw brains.

“graaaaaaaaaagh. Beeeeeefsteaaaaaaaak.”

The elder turned his head, and looked Sam sharply in the eye. Then he lifted up Sam’s hand and examined it carefully. Sam was confused, but accepted this behavior with good grace. At least, until the elder tried to bite it.

Sam jerked his hand back underneath his coat, and quickly pulled out his trusty shotgun, pointing it at the elders head. It was then that he noticed the odor of rotting flesh, and the fact that the elder was, in fact, rotting. His shotgun blast ensured that the rotting would take place all over the room.

The other feasting zombies all jerked upright, and started shambling directly towards Sam. He fired his shotgun twice more, blowing the horde back, and then sprinted out the door towards the mill.

As he darted across the roads, he noticed the sun was beginning to set, yet another definite advantage for the zombies. He shook his head angrily, and headed into the mill, the wind beginning to pick up at last.

Inside, gears rumbled, casting moving shadows over Sam’s face as he heard the moans of the approaching zombies. He quickly barricaded the only door on the lower level, cutting off the zombies’ access. Not much was going to get through a Sam-built barricade, after all.

After he finished, he dashed up the stairs to the maintenance balcony, and watched the swarming hordes below trying to turn the doorknob. He laughed, and sat down to wait.

Now, a few little-known facts about Ninjas!

Ninjas are mammals.

Ninjas fight ALL the time.

The purpose of a Ninja is to flip out and kill stuff.

Ninjas can fly.

Sam was well aware of the first three Ninja facts; however, in his deadly Tokyo duel with the cyber ninjas, he wasn’t aware that flight was an inherent capability of the Ninja. So, it is excusable that he wasn’t prepared for the five Amish Zombie Ninjas to leap onto the balcony just before he fell asleep.

They landed silently, their long blades glittering in the moonlight. One of them raised his sword above Sam’s head, but before he could land the killing blow, Sam swung his own sword out, and a desperate duel began.

Their blades glinting and flashing, sparks flying when they hit, Sam parried every blow made by the Ninjas, his own blade slicing out across flesh every few moments. He dropped to the ground to avoid one blow, then leaped up, flipped over the zombies head, and neatly decapitated him. Unfortunately, there were still four Amish left, and he had just flipped onto the railing of the balcony.

A blade sliced down towards one foot, and Sam dropped down, doing the splits as he drove his sword into a ninja’s head, pinning him against the wall, he used his sword for leverage to vault off of the railing, grabbing the zombies sword, and blocking the next strike an Amish threw at him.

Another flurry of blades erupted, this time Sam being pushed heavily onto the defensive. He took one step back, then two, then dropped to the ground and rolled back, his hand diving inside his coat to pull out his shotgun. He fired, and the ninjas jumped away, two of them off the platform, where they got wailed by the windmills arms, now moving incredibly quickly thanks to the motor Sam had hooked up to the gears inside.

The last ninja landed on the roof, and struck a pose, before leaping onto the arms of the windmill, grasping onto it and staring defiantly at Sam. Sam followed, landing on the same arm as the zombie, and their dual began again. Sam blocked the Amish’s blows easily, and finally drop-kicked the ninjas rotting head, exploding it into several gory pieces. He hopped back onto the balcony, and watched the sun come up, evaporating all the zombies who were still battering on the windmill door.

Sam leaned back and breathed a sigh of relaxation. The country was so nice.